OVERWHELMED WITH SADNESS

Yesterday Bob and I lost our furry daughter, best friend and companion, Bonnie Bell McGrath died suddenly of Lung Cancer she was only 12 years old.

When I left for work Wednesday morning I just knew something wasn't right with her. She had been acting "differently" for a couple of days and Wednesday morning was confirmation for me that she wasn't herself. I would always give Bonnie her breakfast treats right before I left and she would eat her cookies right away and not even take the time to look up at me as I left. That morning I put her cookies down, she sat there and looked at them and then looked at me walk out the door. As I was walking down the street toward the bus stop, I was thinking "That's not right, maybe I should stay home and take her to the doctor" I called Bob at work on my way to the bus and told him how she was acting at this point getting teary eyed. I just knew.

I couldn't stop thinking that something wasn't right, so I called my neighbor/friend and asked him to go over to the house and check on Bonnie, I was worried. Bonnie loves Ken and gets so excited to see him. He called me from the house and told me that when he walked in the house he didn't see her, she didn't greet him at the door as she would always do. He called her name and walked around the house and realized that he had walked right past her in the living room, she was curled up on the couch, she didn't move when he came in. When he went over to her she lifted her head but still didn't get off the couch. I told him I was coming right home.

When I finally got home she was pretty much exactly the same way she was when Ken was there. So I called the Vet and explained that this just isn't her and I am worried. Originally it was thought that she was "depressed" about the move and change of environment. When I explained that she isn't moving and doesn't have an interest in anything, he said bring her right in.

When he examined Bonnie, he didn't find anything unusual, she didn't even have a temperature. But he saw the change in her too and said "let's do some blood and xrays" So off they went to take the xray's I waited in the waiting room and cried. I just knew.

When Dr. Rubeinstein called me back into the office he had a look on his face that I hadn't seen in the 8 years Bonnie has been going to him. He said "I am afraid I have bad news" I said "o.k. how bad is bad" He said "the worst" I cried.

Bonnie's chest xray showed she had tumors in both lungs and had pneumonia. She had no signs of being sick, she's been such a healthy dog over the 12 years we had her. Dr. Rubenstein teared up and said "she has about two weeks, and we should talk about options" (I don't understand how that could be, we don't smoke and we don't allow smoking in our house). Of course I am alone, Bob is at work. So I call Bob and I have to tell him that our little girl is dying and there is nothing we can do about it. He sobbed, I sobbed.

We decided that we would bring Bonnie home and we would bring her back to Dr. Rubenstein on Friday to do what we both knew we had to do because we love her. Bob came right home and we spent the evening just the three of us. We went to bed around 11:00 p.m., I should say we shut the lights off but I stared at her laying there with us obviously in pain, having trouble breathing. At about 3:30 a.m. she jumped off the end of the bed came to the my side of the bed and looked up at me. I jumped up and went right down to her, she had diarrhea and couldn't move her back legs! I have no idea how she managed to get to my side of the bed but she did. We told her that it was o.k. to go, we would be o.k. and that we loved her! We layed there holding our baby for the last time, begging her to stop trying to hold on for us, knowing the pain was too much for her to bare. That is where Bob, Bonnie and I layed until she finally stopped breathing. Bob and I stayed right there with her and cried together.

Bonnie will be cremated and come back home to us.

To all my friends and family, I know you are trying to make me feel better when you say things like "you have to move on, your son will be home soon and he is going to need you" I know this, but I also know that for over 12 years Bonnie was the first thing I saw, I touched, I talked to every morning! She followed me EVERYWHERE! I couldn't get up and go to another room without her being there. When I took a shower, she had to be in the bathroom with me waiting for me. When I was sad, she knew it and would snuggle up to me and make it all better. She had to touch me when we slept. I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT JUST MOVE ON! I need to mourn for my loss, I don't know how long it will be, I don't know when I will smile again, I don't know when the crying will stop the only thing that I do know is that my heart literally hurts, it hurts to breath and I miss my bon bon, that simple! So please do not tell me to move on!