OWEN'S BEDROOM...

I am not sure if I shared or not the theme of Owen's bedroom? I truly thought Bob would have picked ambulances and fire trucks but to my surprise he wanted to go with the camping theme. Which I think is just too cute.

We had decided that we needed a "bear" rug in his room to make the room really feel like a cabin. You can find anything on google. We found this faux bear rug on the internet. We loved it and had to have it so it is ordered and should arrive in about three days.

I really hope Owen shares in our love for bears and the outdoors, other wise this room that we have taken so much thought and care to put together is really going to make him unhappy! LOL

NEVER DULL.....

Well, as you all know Bob and I have had a rough couple of weeks, but true to our nature we pulled together and somehow are making the best of our crappy situation. We are at a point now that we can laugh at the crazy things our Bonnie used to do and find comfort in our stories. We both have our favorites. This doesn't mean we don't still have our moments of down right sadness but we are remembering more happy memories and trying very hard to hold on to those.

As if that was enough for us to deal with, Bob goes to work last Wednesday and his eye is red and irritated. I immediately stay far away from him and tell him that I think it's pink eye and he needs to go to the doctor. Of course he goes to work and his supervisor sees his eye and tells him to go to Occupational Health Services (OHS) and have it checked out. The doctor (I use that title loosely) tells him that he has conjunctivitis and continue with wetting drops and he can go back to work. So off he goes. By Saturday he can not see out of his eye it is so swollen. I insist that he stay home from work and goes to our family doctor. Of course our normal doctor is not in but the other doctor is. We go he walks in the room and stays far from Bob and says "Yes, it's pink eye" Gives him antibiotic drops and says cold compress for the next three to five days. Now it's Tuesday (yesterday) and whole week has gone by, the poor guy has been putting his drops in, cold compress, etc. Still not better matter of fact worse. So, back to work he goes and this time goes to the ER, the doctor there says he doesn't have pink eye he has a blocked tear duct and might require surgery. Yes, SURGERY! So, he is home sick for the next week he has MORE drops, this time some kind of antibiotic cream and HOT COMPRESSES!!!! The cold compresses that everyone has been telling him to do is WRONG!

He is going to see an specialist today and we are hoping he doesn't say surgery!!!

I really don't know how we both manage to get ourselves out of bed everyday. We both just want to pull the covers over our head and call it a day.

TRYING TO KEEP HAPPY THOUGHTS....

Today Bob has to take his New York State Emergency Medical Technician test. New York requires EMT's to renew their license every three years, so tonight is the night.

This past week has not been easy for either one us. We will be married 17 years and for over 12 years of that Bonnie has been a part of our family, we now have to learn to live our lives without her in it. Bob has been so good with keeping his emotions under control because he had to help me, he allowed me my moments of sobbing, and for my own good forced me out of bed to participate in life. He has been my support and he knew he couldn't make it better so he didn't try to give me empty words he just held me and let me be.

THANK YOU POOKIE! I LOVE YOU!

So, in keeping with happy thoughts I know you will do GREAT tonight and you will make me proud!

THANK YOU

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone that sent emails and posted messages about our little girl. It has meant alot to both Bob and me.

It has not been a easy weekend. I am filled with sadness and loss and having a very hard time getting past that she will not be waiting for me at home. I still open the front door to our house expecting to see her...tail wagging!

Thank you again and please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

OVERWHELMED WITH SADNESS

Yesterday Bob and I lost our furry daughter, best friend and companion, Bonnie Bell McGrath died suddenly of Lung Cancer she was only 12 years old.

When I left for work Wednesday morning I just knew something wasn't right with her. She had been acting "differently" for a couple of days and Wednesday morning was confirmation for me that she wasn't herself. I would always give Bonnie her breakfast treats right before I left and she would eat her cookies right away and not even take the time to look up at me as I left. That morning I put her cookies down, she sat there and looked at them and then looked at me walk out the door. As I was walking down the street toward the bus stop, I was thinking "That's not right, maybe I should stay home and take her to the doctor" I called Bob at work on my way to the bus and told him how she was acting at this point getting teary eyed. I just knew.

I couldn't stop thinking that something wasn't right, so I called my neighbor/friend and asked him to go over to the house and check on Bonnie, I was worried. Bonnie loves Ken and gets so excited to see him. He called me from the house and told me that when he walked in the house he didn't see her, she didn't greet him at the door as she would always do. He called her name and walked around the house and realized that he had walked right past her in the living room, she was curled up on the couch, she didn't move when he came in. When he went over to her she lifted her head but still didn't get off the couch. I told him I was coming right home.

When I finally got home she was pretty much exactly the same way she was when Ken was there. So I called the Vet and explained that this just isn't her and I am worried. Originally it was thought that she was "depressed" about the move and change of environment. When I explained that she isn't moving and doesn't have an interest in anything, he said bring her right in.

When he examined Bonnie, he didn't find anything unusual, she didn't even have a temperature. But he saw the change in her too and said "let's do some blood and xrays" So off they went to take the xray's I waited in the waiting room and cried. I just knew.

When Dr. Rubeinstein called me back into the office he had a look on his face that I hadn't seen in the 8 years Bonnie has been going to him. He said "I am afraid I have bad news" I said "o.k. how bad is bad" He said "the worst" I cried.

Bonnie's chest xray showed she had tumors in both lungs and had pneumonia. She had no signs of being sick, she's been such a healthy dog over the 12 years we had her. Dr. Rubenstein teared up and said "she has about two weeks, and we should talk about options" (I don't understand how that could be, we don't smoke and we don't allow smoking in our house). Of course I am alone, Bob is at work. So I call Bob and I have to tell him that our little girl is dying and there is nothing we can do about it. He sobbed, I sobbed.

We decided that we would bring Bonnie home and we would bring her back to Dr. Rubenstein on Friday to do what we both knew we had to do because we love her. Bob came right home and we spent the evening just the three of us. We went to bed around 11:00 p.m., I should say we shut the lights off but I stared at her laying there with us obviously in pain, having trouble breathing. At about 3:30 a.m. she jumped off the end of the bed came to the my side of the bed and looked up at me. I jumped up and went right down to her, she had diarrhea and couldn't move her back legs! I have no idea how she managed to get to my side of the bed but she did. We told her that it was o.k. to go, we would be o.k. and that we loved her! We layed there holding our baby for the last time, begging her to stop trying to hold on for us, knowing the pain was too much for her to bare. That is where Bob, Bonnie and I layed until she finally stopped breathing. Bob and I stayed right there with her and cried together.

Bonnie will be cremated and come back home to us.

To all my friends and family, I know you are trying to make me feel better when you say things like "you have to move on, your son will be home soon and he is going to need you" I know this, but I also know that for over 12 years Bonnie was the first thing I saw, I touched, I talked to every morning! She followed me EVERYWHERE! I couldn't get up and go to another room without her being there. When I took a shower, she had to be in the bathroom with me waiting for me. When I was sad, she knew it and would snuggle up to me and make it all better. She had to touch me when we slept. I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT JUST MOVE ON! I need to mourn for my loss, I don't know how long it will be, I don't know when I will smile again, I don't know when the crying will stop the only thing that I do know is that my heart literally hurts, it hurts to breath and I miss my bon bon, that simple! So please do not tell me to move on!

CONGRATULATIONS JONNI

A very BIG congrautaltions to Jonni from Journey to Sophia on her referral of a beautiful baby girl!

We are so happy for you and John and can't wait to see more pictures of your daughter!

Congratulations Mommy and Daddy!

BOB IS GOING TO BE SUCH A GOOD DADDY.....

Saturday was my c0-worker and friends son's first birthday. I volunteered Bob's services to be ELMO for the birthday party. I knew he would have no problem doing it, he loves stuff like that.

Bob was such a good ELMO that people thought he did this for a job and wanted to hire him. Of course, I was thinking "what a great part-time job for him" LOL

THANK GOODNESS IT'S FRIDAY!

I am so happy it's Friday!

Bob and I have a pretty busy weekend. Tomorrow is my friend and co-workers son's first birthday party! I can't believe it's been a year! So much has happened in a year! This time last year we were preparing to send our dossier to China and thinking we would be traveling by this time this year for our daughter.

The road has taken a slight curve and we will be traveling to China not for our daughter, but our precious son! And I truly wouldn't want it any other way! It still amazes me that I can love someone so much that I haven't met yet?? How could everyday since looking at his picture my life has changed? I no longer think about what I need, what I want, but what Owen is going to need, what Owen is going to want? I already start to cry when I think about him having surgery to repair is palate, the thought of the first day I have to leave him in someone else's care so I can go to work.

Yes, I am no longer Tracy McGrath but Owen's mommy and you know what? I LOVE IT!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Tracy

Beautiful Poem

This morning in China a mother cries
She’ll never forget her son’s eyes
Her heart is broken and filled with pain
The tears run down like the falling rain.
She has no choice but to leave him there
The cost of keeping is too much to bear
She hopes her son will one day know
True love can be found in letting him go.
This morning in China a baby cries
Hungry and scared as tears fill his eyes
His mother has left him in this public place
Another lost son of the Chinese race.
Someone passing by has heard his soft moan
He’s soon quickly taken to a foster home
It’s here he’ll reside in the care of another
Until he’s adopted by a brand new mother.
That very same moment, in the U.S.A.
A woman cries as she starts to pray
Her heart is heavy but filled with much love
She prays for a son she thinks the world of.
“Dear Jesus I ask that your arms would be
Wrapped tightly around the one picked for me
Guard him in China ‘till I make my way
And then in my arms forever he’ll stay.”

Author Unknown to me

BABIES, BABIES, BABIES

Referral are starting to arrive. It appears CCAA has referred families up to November 7, 2005! That's a little disappointing since it represents 6 days of referrals including weekends which does not have LID dates. BUT at least referrals have arrived and families are seeing their babies faces for the first time. And I can tell you it's an amazing feeling.

I've noticed that a couple of families who have posted their referrals have received boys!! This seems to be a pattern, last month a few families also received boys when they were expecting girls. But again, talking from experience IT DOESN'T MATTER! When you see that face and know that it's your son nothing else matters.

CONGRATUALTIONS, CONGRATULATIONS!!

WE ARE MOVED IN.....

Well, to say Bob and I are exhausted would be an understatement! This move has to be the worst move we've every did. I think it's because of a few different reasons. First, we moved across the street, so we had the theory "we don't need to rent a moving van" WRONG! We should have rented a moving van. But trying to save money since our little Owen is coming home soon we decided "it's across the street no problem" Well, the walking from one house to another was definitely a problem. And as always Bob and I were on our own to move a two bedroom house! We started on Memorial Day with our shed and attic. Tuesday and Wednesday night (after working all day) we moved most of our furniture. Thursday we started at 6:00 a.m. with the rest of the house!! OH MY GOD......I don't know where the "rest of the house" came from but we had stuff everywhere. By 12:00 p.m. we both had enough and just threw everything into big boxes and decided we would sort through it at the other house. Oh, and did I mention Bob had to be at work on Thursday at 3:30 p.m.??? I don't know how he did it plus work his part time job Saturday and Sunday! Yesterday he crashed and did nothing, can't say I blame him.

Me being a little on the obsessive compulsive side, I had to unpack EVERYTHING on Thursday. When I went to work on Friday I was exhausted to say the least. But the good news is the house is all unpacked and we can enjoy it. This weekend my parents are coming over for a BBQ.

In the middle of all this we found our daycare for Owen. We went to several places and finally settled on a women who runs a Daycare in her house. She is licensed, has her first aid and cpr certificates. She has a great fenced in yard. I think Owen will do very well there. She has a two year old daughter so he will have a little play mate.

I guess that's it for now!